How to stop feeling behind in life - How to Stop Comparing Yourself and Find Fulfilment
I understand this feeling all too well. It is so hard when you are surrounded by people getting engaged, having babies or buying houses. It can feel like you are celebrating milestone after milestone for everybody else, and whilst you may be genuinely happy for your friends, it can leave you feeling empty and as though something in your life is lacking.
I used to struggle with this feeling all the time. How can I be happy for my friends and yet feel so sad about my own situation at the same time? How can you feel two completely different feelings at once? Well, you can, as one of my friends will attest to after graduating from the pre teen to adult ‘emotions cards in therapy. You can hold contradictory emotions in the same hand.
As time went on, this sadness turned to resentment and I realised I needed to do something to address it. I was always looking outwards instead of looking inwards at my own life and what I felt was lacking, and actually asking myself the hard questions. What did I want out of life? What did success look like for me? What does my ideal day to day life look like?
Truthfully, I had none of the answers to these questions because I spent so much of my time fixating on what I didn’t have, or felt I couldn’t have, that I hadn’t figured out what I wanted from life. Not what society says I should want, or what everyone else seemed to be chasing. After taking the time to sit and reflect, I figured out that there were practical steps I could take to stop feeling left behind in life.
Address comparisons, reframe my thinking & adjust my goals, take action.
1. Comparison truly is the thief of joy
I wasted so much time comparing myself to other people that it was essentially ruining my own happiness. We live in a world now where the opportunities for comparison are everywhere, so shifting your mindset from ‘I want what they have’ to ‘how do I bring fulfilment into my own life?’ is really difficult. If you see someone on social media seemingly living the life you want, or having things that feel unattainable to you, start by asking yourself if that’s something you really want, or whether it just looks attractive because it’s packaged nicely on Instagram.
The main thing that helped me? - and I’m going to hold you hand while I say this - getting off social media. I know. There are a lot of positives of social media; it brings community, inspiration, and a sense of belonging. But falling into a dopamine seeking scroll hole consuming everyone else’s carefully curated highlight reel, it can chip away at your own sense of self. Reducing your scrolling time, or at least unfollowing accounts which make you feel ‘less than', is a good place to start. It allows you space to think about what is truly important and achievable for you, and what is within reach.
This doesn’t just apply online. You can’t compare your journey to the path that your friends are on either. We all come from different backgrounds and have different upbringings so our wants and desires are different too. What works for your friends might not work for you. It is important to figure out what your own path looks like, rather than forcing yourself down a road that doesn’t align with your needs.
2. Reframe your thinking and adjust your goals
And a realistic plan to get there.
When you’re single, life can feel more expensive. We live in a world that is set up for dual income so achieving your goals, especially if they are financial, can seem twice as hard. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It just means you may need to readdress your goals and adapt them so they are realistic for you right now, and then take smaller, manageable steps towards the bigger picture. The progress may be slower than you want, but it is still progress. There is no reason why you can’t get there by yourself.
For example, I was desperate to own a house with a garden so I could have a pond and a little outside reading space. As you can tell, younger me had spent a lot of time thinking about this and had high expectations. However, I realised very quickly that as a single person trying to get on the property ladder, this idea of ‘home’ was out of my reach currently. Initially, I was furious . A pond wasn’t too much to ask for, was it? Meanwhile, all my coupled friends are out there buying houses which ended up with me feeling like I was being left behind.
That negative mindset eats away at you and ultimately, wasn’t going to get me any closer to my reading nook. So I tried to re-frame my thinking. What did I want from a home? How else could ‘home’ look for me? And how can I make small achievable steps to build towards my end goal? It’s not about throwing away your dreams, it’s about reimagining them in a way that fits your life right now. Here are some ways in which I reframed my own thinking.
I want to buy a house ———> For now, I want somewhere that I can call ‘home’
Think about what home feels like for you. What does this include? How can you create a sense of home wherever you’re living?
I need to own a property ———> I’m going to take smaller steps towards financial independence.
Renting, house shares or living at home doesn’t mean that you’ve failed. You can save according to your own goals, build your savings and start small, leaving room for future growth.
I wish I had someone to go away with ———> I’m going to plan some solo trips instead. If I don’t enjoy it, I will ask friends or find communities of people who also want to travel.
Travel doesn’t have to wait until you’re in a couple. Solo travel is empowering and freeing. And traveling with your friends is an adventure.
I can’t afford the lifestyle I want ———> I’ll create the luxuries I want within my budget
Save up and buy that plush candle from Rituals. Buy yourself a gorgeous bunch of flowers as a Saturday treat. Learn to romanticise the smaller things and appreciate what you can have instead of what you can’t.
I feel behind in my career ———> I am building my career at my own pace
There is no set timeline on where you should be at a certain point with your career. Take consistent steps towards where you want to be. Experiment with what you enjoy.
I want a partner ———> I’ll nurture the relationships I have now
Celebrate your friendships, deepen the connection with your family and most importantly, build a strong relationship with yourself first.
3. Take action
Okay, now we’ve reframed our thinking and adjusted our goals we can think about taking practical action towards them. Small, consistent steps towards a bigger goal help us to remain motivated and can help us feel less stuck.
Set short term goals alongside long term ones
Instead of focusing on the big ‘milestones,’ create your own. Create short-term goals which you can achieve within a few months and celebrate the accomplishment. Checking off smaller goals creates momentum and proof that you can work towards your bigger dreams.
Create a financial plan that works for you
I’ve written about how to be sensible with your finances here but what matters with finances is consistency and practicality. What can you afford realistically and how can get there without wrecking your finances.
Start living now
Stop waiting for life to start. Stop thinking ‘when I have X, I will be able to do Y.’ Visualise how you want your life to look with what you can accomplish now, and step into it.
Invest in yourself
Explore what brings you fulfilment and lights you up. Take a class, study online, learn a new skill, start a hobby or find a community of likeminded people. Investing in yourself is a surefire way to start living the life you dream of.
Final thoughts
Doing the work can be difficult and confronting, but ultimately, the pay off is huge. These are the first steps to take if you’re feeling left behind in life or feeling stuck. I’ve made some journal prompts below which you can use to get started.
Get to know yourself first, find out what is really important to you and you can start planning a life which brings you fulfilment and joy, even if you’re planning it solo.
