How to Build a Strong Friendship Support System When You’re Single

If you’re a millennial woman - you will probably relate hard to this book.

‘Everything I know about Love’ by Dolly Alderton, put into words exactly how I felt about my female friendships in my late twenties (and how I felt about MSN as a teenager… log off, log on… have they noticed me yet? What about if I put a vague song lyric in my screenname? ). Now in my mid thirties - my friendships are even more intimate than I could have ever imagined. We know each other as if we’ve spent our whole lives together - but it has taken work to get to this point. As a single woman in my thirties, my friendships are the most important and valuable relationships I have.

Building a support system outside of a romantic relationship takes work. As with any type of relationship, building deep, trusting friendships, cultivating connection and remaining consistent takes time, hard work and sometimes difficult conversations. I want to share why building these bonds is so important if you’re a single woman and how to nurture them so you can create your very own network of people who feel like home.

The notion of ‘the one’ never sat right with me. To have one person to be your everything feels unhealthy, and in fairness is a very outdated concept now. Having a diverse support network is important, even if you are in a romantic partnership, as it allows you to share parts of yourself, and receive a support, in a variety of ways. Different people can help with different needs.

Building this network of chosen family can be a source of emotional regulation, they can build you up when needed and check you if your choices have been a bit out of line. They will celebrate all your wins no matter how small, they understand if you’re so exhausted that you can’t reply to a message or have to reschedule seeing them, and they’ll hold you accountable when needed. This goes both ways of course. You cannot have an expectation of a friendship if you’re not prepared to give back in the ways they need too.

So, how do you build a strong support network?

Show up in your friendships

And show up consistently. Make choices to spend time together and really be together. Listen, be present. Show up even if it’s messy and imperfect or you’re not quite sure you agree with the choice they just made. Learn how to understand it together. Celebrate their wins. Create a safe space to share openly by listening without judgement. Reach out. Check in. Talk about your love languages - this isn’t just for romantic relationships. Ask your friends how they show love and how they want to be loved in return. Most of the time, it’s about spending quality time together.

Be vulnerable & honest with your friends

My friendships never would have gotten to the level they are today if we hadn’t started being truly vulnerable and honest with each other. We learnt how to communicate our needs. Initially, it was a total mess with us trauma dumping on each other all the time, until we realised the other person may not have space to carry that in that moment. Now, we check in. Are you in a space to talk me through something? Do you have the mental capacity to deal with a little menty b? Obviously this doesn’t happen all the time, as occasionally we’ll be way too far into the aforementioned breakdown to ask first. But that’s okay.

We have learnt how to ask each other ‘What do you need in this moment? Is there anything I can do that will help?’

And most importantly, we discuss any niggles in our friendship. Apologise and take accountability when you’ve messed up. Speak to your friend about that offhand comment she made. Ask, how can we make this better going forward?

‘Nearly everything I know about love, I’ve learnt in my long term friendships with women’

Stay connected with regular check ins

This doesn’t have to be meeting face to face throughout the week. Life happens. We are busy people trying to focus on our careers, families, friendships, rest, general housework so it doesn’t look like your life has been tipped upside down, etc. You can still have meaningful interactions through a facetime session, a phone call, a whatsapp message - my friend Jess’ favourite is a simple ‘Welfare check’ message just to make sure nobody has died or had a breakdown.

We all love a voice note nowadays (well I do, and I will send you a 7 minute podcast episode of my life). My friends and I always tell each other there is no pressure to reply, just when you can. When you have a spare 7 minutes in your day to send me a podcast episode of your weekly shenanigans - I’m here for it.

Just make sure you’re scheduling regular times for connection.

Final thought

Romantic relationships can be great if they are right for you. But I have never felt love like I have with my female friends. I have never felt more seen, understood, loved and safe then when I am with them. I know that love can be loud, when we celebrate buying houses or engagements or finally cutting a toxic person out of your life. But love can also be so small, ignoring each other on the sofa but just being together, sending a simple ‘are you okay?’ message, watching greys anatomy together and commenting on their car crash relationships, and just having a debrief about how your day has been.

Most of the time, those small acts of love are my favourite. And as single woman, I ensure I prioritise these relationships so that they will stand the test of time.

Build your support system and it won’t ever feel like you’re really alone.